There was something about the rain today,she couldn’t stop thinking of him,about how he loved the rain and how she didn’t,about that one storm they braved to walk into,with them almost getting thrown away by the wind but didn’t,only because they were walking,embracing each other so tightly that there was no space even for vacuum,one behind the other,it kept rewinding in her head,that day long ago when they walked for hours in the rain and storm like crazy,no one on the streets,only them,and he in front and she behind him,he shielding her,her hands wrapped around him,this memory was most special,always kept finding it’s way in her mind and heart on days like these,when the skies were weeping and all was gloom,this memory,always the sunshine in the despicable rain.

She hurt much whenever he crossed her mind but she had something with her which almost instantly would remind her why it was wise for them to be apart.She opened her email and searched in the drafts there,a letter,a poem she wrote to him when they were together,when the distances were just beginning to show,when the questions were all answered with silences,that poem she had written upon reading another poem he had written her in the beginning of their relationship,only her poem was about how she sees their love’s end,her poem read like her heart,bid him goodbye even while they were together,this poem she kept it to herself.
They had always written letters when they were seeing each other,some poems too,they both were expressive,atleast they were in the beginning,infact they confessed their love through poems,she was the first one to,something she regrets till date,had she not written to him,nothing would have started,because he was pretty bad at reading people,he would never notice she loved,had she never written,she regrets,yes.

He and her were a little more than friends while they were studying in the university five years ago,but they had to move out of their city to new places after graduation,they found their jobs tore them apart,misplaced them,away and far from each other and the strains of a long distance relationship we all know,they loved and missed but couldn’t be together,things started changing,differences started cropping up and incompatibility increased,they were only arguments now,trivial senseless arguments everyday,his bad temper and clamming up,not making an effort to talk things out didn’t help much either and her ego was a big wall too,like they were never meant to be,love should come easy right,but for them love was hard,they loved much that’s why hard but also hard to love,they had to dig up reasons to justify their love,maybe it was because they were too young when they gave love a chance and later they grew apart,only natural,but they,out of kindness,or for the sake of their past kept at it,the cracks got wider all the more because of their distance and one day which had to eventually come,it was inevitable,far too postponed,they had an argument like never before,then he spoke about how nothing feels the same,that he had no feelings for her,his heart had moved on,not precisely to anybody else but definitely away from this long dragged relation,she knew it was coming,she agreed too that they had to call it quits because the bitterness was killing all the memories of the beautiful times they had,she wanted those memories untarnished,flawless,bright and colourful with no smudges of time on them,they had to move on and amicably they did,staying friends was hard with so much emotional baggage,so they bid each other goodbye,for good,forever,she got her wish,untarnished memories that she keeps reminiscing about,memories like the one in the rain,or words from his poems or the following poem she wrote for him when the cracks were just beginning,she wondered if the poem was probably the defining moment.

today I read
one of your
letters you
wrote to me
letters or poetry
you did manage
to make me
God-less there

I was reminded
of that crazy
in love times
such madness
and obsession
it was it IS
from my side
but things change
people change
we change
now more like
though it is
all my attempts
to not let you go
to somehow
by hook or by crook
have you in
my everyday

it hurts does hurt
to see the distance
only but natural
but kills me this
kills to see
cut out
kills to not
be able to
ask questions
wondering what
kind of answers
those questions
might bring
wondering if
my closure is
more important
or having you
hanging onto you
more ….

how you feel
about this
situation too
is a cause of
what if my
questions will
hurt you more
or on the
what if you’re
waiting for the
so you can
answer them
and move on
I fear that too

I’m not hanging
onto you for
my existence
but sure what
we had was
stuff of dreams
and dreams always
are hard to let go

you were

I wonder
how you feel
about this
about the

do you look
back fondly
or do you
feel nothing

have you been
in getting rid
of me
from your head
does it bother
you none

that has come
to become us
a series of

and I hate
not knowing
and they keep
piling up
these questions
bury me deep

you might as well
rip me apart
but this is
the choice I make
I guess
to die slowly
perish bit by bit
in sighs
but not really
dissolve in
the atmosphere
and die
but die
be revived
and die
and then
be revived
each moment
a million times
all for love
in the name of love
I give myself up

bear this ordeal
only to know
there was a brief time
when I once lived
that life

the glimpses of it
in these questions
which will never
be answered

©Seema Tabassum 2016
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