Month: September 2016 (page 2 of 3)

Miss You Daddy (poem)

Before you read I have to tell you that I wrote this just weeks after my father passed,back then the title ‘Miss You Daddy’ felt appropriate and so it stayed,I was little still,only fourteen,so this is very childish and over-dramatic,we Indians are dramatic by nature but I am not the same girl anymore (just saying)…I’m sharing this poem regardless,maybe you’ll see the sincerity with which this was written…
And the video that I’m sharing here is from the very time my life got dark,this song would bring floods of tears each time it was heard and it was a constant on the T.V then.It was my father who taught me how to cycle,it was he who first let go and I’ve loved cycling since then hence this song is all the more special for the memories it brings,also there’s a scene in the song towards the end where the father carries his child and dances,my Daddy used to do that with me and he had a special tune for it,thankfully I still remember the tune and it’s a big part of my life,even today…
the meaning of the song in short is ‘you are my heart,you are my life,you are naive and you are a monster…you are alone and I’m lonely,but when in life we have each other there’s no place for sadness’

Miss You Daddy

Oh Daddy where are you?
I don’t know where to search for you,
I don’t know if I’ll ever find you,
I love you lots,I think you know,
then why did you leave me and go?
But I always feel you are somewhere near me,
Daddy I call you so many times,can’t you hear me?
Daddy without you I am so incomplete,
your heart was so clean and neat,
then why did God take you up so soon?
To me and my life you were such a boon.
Daddy without you I feel so empty,
You can’t come back is there no possibilty?
Daddy I am down on my knees,
I’m begging you please,
I swear all the mischief I’ll cease,
your loving words keep ringing in my ears,
what can I do but shed tears.
Daddy please come back to me,
hold my hand and lead,
I love you loads and I’m missing you loads.

©Seema Tabassum 2015
© 2015
All content and images copyright 2015
All rights reserved

To read about how I felt about his sudden demise and how it affected us kindly click here.

Till We Again Meet (poem)

Life is strange,surreal sometimes and other times hits hard,I often am forced to wonder if it is my life that I was living because so much gets eroded when the waves of time hit the shores of life,people,memory,feelings,everything keeps slipping away and we keep on grasping onto new land to pull ourselves out of the tides,the erosion and in the process we let go of precious things,in my case I have forgotten a lot though I remember a lot too,but I wish I could change what my mind chose to remember…
but this poem is not about that,these lines are my core feelings when I really sit and recall having my Dad in my life,where I’m sure that it was this life that he was in for his presence was so surreal but the ache in my heart recognises the void and I only have a hope that sustains me through sinking times…the hope of meeting him again,the hope of an eternal togetherness…
this is for my Daddy from the bottomest part of the abyss that is this heart without him…till we again meet…

My heart’s so miserable it bleeds
on the emptiness the grief feeds…
your name’s forever on my heartbeat
the bleeding won’t cease till we again meet…
I’m big now and standing on my feet
but in my life you I’ll always miss deep…
the void in my life screams…it’s echoes I feel
I wish it was your voice that echoed I’d forever keep…
I wish I had your hand to hold and you to lead
now the bleeding won’t cease till we again meet…

©Seema Tabassum 2015
© 2015
All content and images copyright 2015
All rights reserved

For another poem of mine on how I feel about my father and his absence kindly click here.

Lost Forever

Lost forever…
though I have not as many memorable moments
as I should have and his voice eludes my memory
I have a mountain of anger and a sea of love
for this man from who I come…
I loathe the fact that he was never around
and long to know more about him and so
I love everybody who have him in their memories
for his memories are precious…
I’d die to know him more
now as an adult to understand him more
would die to know the fine nuances that made him special
though his absence is eternal now
his presence is equally persistent…
he lives in me through these handful of memories
that my mind has managed to hang on to…
he is a constant in my life after his demise
ironically he was not always around due to his work when he was alive…
my struggle mostly is not knowing much about this icon of a man
and knowing very little to judge him well
and with the fact that I don’t know how much of him I have in me
of what I am carrying forward of his…
I wonder what traits of him my son has
it is disheartening to see my son and not find my Dad in him
he may have a bit of my father in him but the pain is I don’t recognise that
….all I have to say is that I can never get over my Daddy…
for I carry him in me…he is a constant will always be…
will never leave…I carry him in my heart,he is alive still,as long as my heart beats he is alive,
I know that and if my son longs for my presence after I’m gone as much as I long for my Dad’s
I’ll consider myself successful and my time on earth fruitful,meaningful

©Seema Tabassum 2016
© 2016
All content and images copyright 2016
All rights reserved

If I Could (poem)

This poem could be the truest poem I’ve ever written,written as me,I wish and if I could…
I need to keep telling myself that I indeed had a childhood for I have lost many from that beautiful time,all have drifted and what I have in my hands are the bones of my childhood…
I wonder…if I could…what would change…

If I could I would rewind time
visit childhood of mine
bring people from there somehow
relocate them in the now…
If I could I would gather the giggles and laughter
that left went with my father
joys would revisit again
like flowers on this heart’s parched plain…
If I could I would hold my Daddy’s hand
walk with him on our playground’s sand
hear him speak once more
in that voice which I recall no more…
If I could I would record his voice this time around
so as to never forget how it used to surround
and envelope my heart with it’s sweetness
that would be an extra ordinary gift to myself…
If I could I would gather the memories all
select play relive have them on call
this emptiness in my heart would then lose face
all that would be left would be a warm caress…
If I could I would see them all again
my Daddy his immediate family his friends
store those freshly-made memories in neatly stacked files
relive them whenever I need to assure myself that I had a life…
…I wish I could

©Seema Tabassum 2015
© 2015
All content and images copyright 2015
All rights reserved

Twenty two years ago we lost our Daddy and our world was never the same,the ripples still resonate,the pain doesn’t fade,all empty when we think of him.This is to the beautiful memories of him and our childhood.We miss him no less than that fateful day,forgotten no more than that day,all intact,right there,nothing changes,only the days change.

For another very personal post of mine which deals with life after my Daddy and the time when we learnt he left us click here. Thank you.

Life’s A Bliss But Something’s Amiss (without you)

Life’s bliss but without my father something’s amiss…how could it not be.
Can we choose not to let something affect us? I don’t think so.
It’s been 22 years since my Daddy’s demise,17th of Sept.,2016 will be the 22nd death anniversary,but I’m still hurting.
It feels kind of a long and kind of a short time,it’s been painful to an extent that breathing was exhausting and it’s been so easy somedays like I never knew him.My Daddy was always a source of pain for me,it was painful living away from him,painful,not having him around,protecting us from unpleasant experiences,guiding us,painful not being able to communicate our joys and sorrows,painful that he was so unavailable,physically and emotionally,painful not being able to see his handsome face everyday.Even now as I write this I can’t hold my tears,I wish I knew him more,I wish I got to spend more time with him.I know him just a little through his diaries,
and I have only a handful of memories with him,among them some bitter ones too,but mostly thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
My memories with him are precious little and few and far between.He’d take us to the movies,mostly English,only action movies,sometimes Telugu and he’d always first see the movie himself and later take us,only if the movie was appropriate,and also he’d explain the movie to us, he was thoughtful that way and patient too.He used to take us to picnics sometimes,and breakfast at Taj,a famous South Indian restaurant in my city,these are about the handful of memories I have of him.There is a vivid memory of his which is unforgettable to me, we were at home when Daddy once returned from a his posting in a district far from home and shouted our names from the gate and upon hearing him we ran to the gate and he carried me and my brother in his arms and hugged us tightly,precious memory.Sadly,I can’t recall the last time I saw him,before I lost him forever.
Twenty years ago,our lives were shattered with the news of my father’s death by accident,he was coming home for our parents’ wedding anniversary which was the next day,18th Sept.,but never reached.His body was found the next day on the side of the highway,in a field.My mother was the one who identified his body,she says that it was a horrifying sight and tragic too,to see such a handsome man with teeth broken and a branch tearing his eye,he lay there in a pool of blood,his boots had scratches on the sides,indicating struggle,I wonder while breaking down,always,for how long must’ve my Dad struggled,how lonely he must’ve been,how much pain must’ve he been in,did he think of us then,was he capable of that,did it take long before his suffering came to an end??.My mother didn’t let us see Daddy’s corpse because it was too painful to see him in that state,she wanted us to remember him as his handsome self,like he always was.The time the postmortem report stated as the time of my Daddy’s death was 8.30pm and that day that same time,at home,my mother,my brother and I heard our Daddy calling our names,we ran to the gate and didn’t find him,at first we thought he was hiding,he often did that,after a while we realised that maybe we just assumed we heard him.The next day we got the news of his demise,we still believe that Daddy came straight home after he died,how else can one explain all three of us hearing him calling us at the very time his soul departed.
My life took a sharp turn that day,I never had imagined a life without him,I thought I won’t be able to live with the fact that my father’s no more,but like always,we adapt and we move on,the fact that he was always away helped us get over this ordeal a bit sooner than we had expected,he was an Inspector in the Andhra Pradesh Special Police Force(a state in South India) and shortly before his death he was promoted to DSP(Deputy Superintendent of Police),hence he was always in the Maoist-infested districts,sweeping the forests in search of them,Naxals were a big problem then.
We had our troubles after he died,financial and all sorts and yet life went on,like it always does and now twenty two years later I try to recall him,I close my eyes and can visualise him at the gate,in his uniform,but I can’t seem to recall his voice,I’ve looked for tapes which had his voice recordings but haven’t found any,I lost his voice,I miss his voice and I’m still desperately searching for at least one tape.
My Daddy was very funny,always joking,immensely handsome,unbelievably stylish for a police officer,very conscious of his looks,and pretty much sick of lazy,fat colleagues of his,he didn’t watch Hindi movies,didn’t like Hindi songs,he was not fond of anything typically Indian,(and this i inherited i guess)he was very kind,treated all young and old,rich and poor alike,when he came to pick me up from school,he would talk to all my friends,and joke with them,I was very proud of him.And when he died I didn’t want to live without him,he was our only respite from all things unpleasant,but nobody dies with the dead,we just die each day,little by little.As years passed and I gained some perspective on my life back then,I understand my Daddy had flaws too,I know a couple of them,flaws that gave grief,I loved him too much to notice then but I love him unconditionally now,I realise my life wouldn’t be the same with him around,I wouldn’t be where I am today,I would be somebody completely different,and that is one reason I’m not so sad for his loss,I love my journey till date and I love my life,now.I wouldn’t want it any other way and had he been alive,this wouldn’t be possible,of course i’d love to have him around but as a mute spectator and that he would never be.So,I guess whatever happens,happens for the good.
The death of my father has meant a death of many things to us,death of many relations,hopes,aspirations,dreams but I guess if I can live and love life even after the sun of my life set twenty two years ago,if I can find a way in the darkness,if I can be strength to others, if I can from a lost 14 year old become this responsible woman now,without a father’s hand to lead me then I have the confidence that I can take up any challenge life throws at me,my Daddy’s death has taught me the single,most vital lesson I ever needed to learn,that,if I could take all the blows life hit me with,these twenty years and still stand tall,then I can take anything.But I pray life doesn’t test me more and I pray that Abbu(my son) or my nephews or any kid should never lose a parent.I pray I,never have to lose anyone else I love,Ameen.
Love my Daddy loads and we are very proud of him.

*That’s my Daddy in all the pictures.

©Seema Tabassum 2014
© 2014
All content and images copyright 2014
All rights reserved

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