Category: Silver Linings(Personal) (page 1 of 8)

Someone Special (micro poem)

Someone special is he who stays forever and Daddy does, in many hearts.

This year September 17th was my father’s 23rd Death Anniversary and it never gets easy, I wonder how can it not, how even after so many years, even after forgetting how his voice sounded, I haven’t healed any. I sometimes wonder if subconsciously I don’t want to, but then it is not in my hands that I cannot forget or recall, I wish it was, I would change how it cripples me to think of his sudden death, his last minutes of his life all alone in a pool of blood and struggle marks on his always well polished brown boots haunt me forever, maybe if he had died in front of me or died because of ill health I wouldn’t miss him much, I am not sure but I do wonder.
Thinking about his last minutes, wondering if death came easy, if he was unconscious when he died or if he was conscious and in great pain with difficulty breathing, wondering if it was even an accident, I cannot, just cannot breathe, I don’t mean to put it all out here, I try to keep it light but then it all comes back to me and I suffer, I don’t expect all to understand but it hurts like hell, I live in a dark place in spite of light around me, his loss, his absence, his death, his words will haunt me forever, maybe haunt is not even the right word, he will forever live in my breaths here, forever, maybe it will make him happy to see how profound an effect he had on me, maybe he lives through me.
As for me I just hope and wish he knows that to me this world has a gigantic hole without him, that he is still someone’s most treasured.
I have been putting off writing this, just his thought, his name and my world scatters again. He was and will always be most special, special maybe because I know so little of him, an enigma my father is and my interest in knowing all of him will never subside, he’ll always remain a mystery, a void in my existence …

Some people come and never leave …
some people leave to never come …
some take a place in your heart …
some take the whole heart with them
leaving behind just a pumping lump …

©Seema Tabassum 2015
©lifeshues.org 2015
All images and content copyright 2015
All rights reserved.

UPDATING (poem)

…UPDATING…
I’m constantly running…
without a minute for me to stop…
can switch myself off to numb…
for numb is easy and emotions cripple…
so I run scared that if I don’t
I might end up feeling…
and I know feeling won’t be easy…
feeling will become overwhelming…
but there comes a moment
when I to the noise inside me succumb…
it grows a mouth and roars
and it’s teeth rip my heart…
in that moment I stand in front of
all my demons…
they crush and wrench my soul…
squeeze the numbness out of me…
throw me into an abyss…
where I lay in my own filth…
lay till my bones soak it all in it…
lay there immobile
till all the soaked up fluid
evaporates from my pores…
I am currently in that abyss
when all that paralyses me comes back to me…
is staring me in the eye
and I lay helpless…
it will take a while to be able
to go about my day normally…
to be up and running
to be able to see sunshine…
to be able to smile…
I’ll be back soon…
till then I hope you miss me
and read me again…
and most of all I hope you stay…
for it was really hard getting you
to see me in the first place…
we shall soon meet in our poetry…
I won’t be long I swear…
till then take care…

This app that is me…
has come to a halt suddenly…
has stopped running…
the numbness has rusted
and it’s back to feeling…
the steel needs a little polishing…
this app needs a little updating…
in a while will be back to feeling nothing…
so kindly wait till the process is complete…

©Seema Tabassum 2017
©http://lifeshues.org 2017
All content and images copyright 2017
All rights reserved.

Meaning To My Life (poem)

We all have things in the past, demons inside our heads, insecurities, shortcomings, complexes and a sense of purpose, all these we choke on and we need to find release, something that diverts yet propels us in the direction where we can find some kind of a mutual ground between dreams and reality, if we’re lucky the escape becomes the meaning to our life. In a minuscule way I have kind of stumbled upon that mutual ground is what I like to think, I maybe wrong though, for I can see not the big picture and also life is notorious for being unpredictable.

I once woke up looking for the meaning to my life
and strangely thought I’ll find it near the sea…
the waves would look for it and come
running back with empty hands to me…
I didn’t have it in me then
the patience to chase it any more…
I went back to my mind-slumber
and retreated back into my chaos…

soon enough I was choking on my
thoughts feeling constrained in my mind…
I had to release those before
my sanity was jeopardised…
I instinctively wrapped my fingers around a pen
and my fingertips bled words…
the blotches on my pages was the meaning to my life
coming back to me over time in these blood spurts

©Seema Tabassum 2016
©lifeshues.org 2016
All content and images copyright 2016
All rights reserved.

Drifting Contemplations: My Poetry (micropoetry)

If I’m asked what poetry is to me I would have no answer, I could write and have written poems on what poetry is but I still find myself stumbling across notions and words to say anything, if one thinks about a new idea to write a poem every minute of the day will you call it obsession or passion?
I call it desperation, because there are a million poets writing a million poems in a day so if an idea is out I cannot write for it anymore because that would mean copying and I don’t do that, I have at least a hundred poems in my drafts and I’m scared to death that if I delay putting them out there for all to read there will be someone else with that idea in their head and I will have to give up posting it as mine if I don’t post it first, in the past I’ve had to let go of two micro-poems because a fellow poet had already posted something on those lines, so that has now come to become my life, constantly trying to come up with something that no one has written but this is about micro-poems, of course there are long poems where we repeat lines but I try my best to bring something new to the reader’s mind, I mean how many times can one read about stars in eyes right?
They say we are in a golden age, networking wise, but I find it more a bane than a boon, at least to a poet, all ideas and lines are out there hovering in web-space and I have to break my head over what to write which is new and not recycled and refreshingly different for the reader, it is a task, so of course I am thinking about it all the time, to sum it up I’ll say that poetry to me is my baby of which I want to be proud so I go about my work with integrity and I am very desperate, desperate for new ideas, for new lines and desperate to be the first to come up with a refreshingly different take on a million year old topic `love’ …
the following micro-poems are about what poetry is to me, my night sky and my oozing wound, I truly do wonder if my vulnerability can give birth to my poetry then my strength can do wonders, but like they say, a poet exploits everything, maybe I’m just exploiting every experience, mine and other’s, well, I should right?

My vulnerability
has birthed
the night sky that is
my poetry
unfathomable then
what from my strength
can originate…

**artwork by the very talented S.I.N.A’S. D.O.O.D.L.E.S do check this artist’s page for inspiration.

©Seema Tabassum 2017
©lifeshues.org 2017
All content and images copyright 2017
All rights reserved.

I bleed love…
and they call it poetry

**artwork by me, but the idea was from an illustration I came across on Pinterest.

©Seema Tabassum 2016
©lifeshues.org 2016
All content and images copyright 2016
All rights reserved.

Quixotic (poem)

Quixotic is the word(Masha Allah) and I don’t mean to exaggerate…

I’m the kind who
pays attention to
the details…
if I have a conversation
I have a hundred questions…
why did you say this…
when you said it
did you mean it…
or you said because
you were angry…
what’s going through
your mind…

questions become walls
and my entire life
I’ve been tormented
by these walls
which gave more questions
less answers…
you you and you
everyone thinks it’s frivolous…
I think it’s essential…
how will you deal
if you don’t know
why what and when
and how…
how to resolve…
I felt cornered
cut out and unwelcome
each time you left without answers…
when a conversation ended
without conclusion…
I felt cold and stupid…
and I have a side which doesn’t
want to be a pain either
by asking questions…

but in this entire world…
in this entire world
I have this person
who answers every question…
asks questions…
is concerned…
won’t let me be…
won’t let me wither…
is clear like stream water…
will answer till
I’m convinced
even if it takes the whole night…
will not shut the door on me…
will never leave things unresolved…
and no matter how stupid
or unnecessary my questions are
he answers all…
all till all’s understood…
till there’s no misunderstanding…
till there’s not an ounce of doubt…
till I’m at peace he won’t sleep…
and in the morning
when he wakes up
even after we’ve spent the whole night
trying to get things clear
his first words are
“Tabassum, Mamma, all’s well right, then hug”…

my work place is a couch
from which I can monitor
both the boys…
their beds I see from where I sit…
Taher(hubby) when he wakes up
flashes his phone’s light at me…
I’ve come to get so used to it
I wonder what I’ll do if a day
comes when he won’t feel the need to
or is not on that bed (God forbid)…
I hate to love so much…
depend so much…
hurt so much…
that’s why I like to
remain detached
and focus on other things
and not on our love…
our love is sacred…
I’m scared that my over involvement will jinx it…
that’s why I like to keep
the storm that is our love at a bay…
because it is oh so unreal and dreamy…
it cannot be true
and that scares me…
I don’t want anything going bad
to the only right thing in my life…
all my relations have been messed
except this one…
this one thing
that is right in my life…
and surely that only thing
that I got and I don’t deserve
am unworthy of…
that one thing I can fall back on…
that one thing that has no doors
that will close on me…
block me…
leave me in the cold or dark…
that one thing that makes my life
even worth living…
I cannot lose this heart
that is the purest form of love…
will love me even if I’m a cripple…
will overlook my flaws…
with whom I don’t have to worry
if I’m being a pain or asking the
wrong questions…
with whom I don’t have to worry
about showing the right side of me
because he embraces even my ugly…
the lost side…the confused side…
the emotional fool side…
emotionally dependent side…
drowned in nostalgia side…
living in the past side…
divided among so many things side…
the aloof side…
the selfish side…
the obsessive compulsive side…
the perfectionist(in vain) side…
the condescending attitude side…
the need to be left alone side…
the misanthrope side…
the hot head side…
the impatient side…
the restless side…
the superiority complex side…
the feels incompetent side…

each and every flaw in me
just goes unnoticed…
this man was made for me…
to fill the void for all that
I don’t have in my life…
to fill the hole that is my heart…
grateful is not word enough
and my actions don’t convey
gratitude either…
but my heart which longs
for a sea of people
has home in his heart…
we have home in each other…
if there is a word soulmate
it is him…
because a million times
we’ve talked without talking…
resolved issues without arguing…
answered without questioning…
accepted without judging…

though my heart longs for the world
it’s here with him where it
truly feels it belongs…
or is wanted and welcomed…
questions and inconveniences
and all

©Seema Tabassum 2017
©lifeshues.org 2017
All content and images copyright 2017
All rights reserved.

*The handsome man in the picture is my hubby.

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