My emotions could put a roller coaster ride to shame,
one minute just when I feel settled,
everything changes again,everything is disheveled,
I try to keep calm but calm is my foe,
won’t come to me,
I linger,in memories,in words,in lines,
in pages,in pictures,lost in beautiful eyes,
trying to make sense of it all,
trying to derive meaning from this,
trying to decipher codes,
without even knowing if they were codes,
clues or nothings,
I feel a pull and a detachment from it all,
detachment because I know it is less painful,
but this place where I am today only reminds me of bygones,
there is something so sincere about those eyes,
I feel torn between all these things,
a constant battle with myself I am in,
I think if I have to go crazy ever it is now,
if I get out of this phase sane then sane I will remain,
but sane is not something I desire to be,
I just want to let go,flow,get carried away,
get thrown,get bruised,anything but confused,
yes,that is one thing I don’t want to be,
but that confusion is what will take me to insanity…..
so basically I’m on a roller coaster ride with everything,
every aspect of my life,
I’m in a daze,haze,every unfamiliar place,
lost,that is one word,that I’m sure I am…lost….
lost in smiles,eyes,words,lines,phrases,
poems,yesterdays,memories,this place,
from Fridays to Saturdays to Sundays…..
forever is how it feels…
from to….forever without a clue…
lost and bedazzled…and emotionally disheveled….
bedazzled? hmmm…..
fences everywhere,limits,
though my name means limitless,I am limited….
does it even make sense…
to me nothing does…
I feel like a junkie,
addicted to feeling this way
because I’m not doing anything to get out of this mess,
maybe I like being here in this nonsensical moment…
maybe I do and maybe
that’s why I write…
maybe I do like being
in this hot mess…
I am hot mess….
if it makes sense….

©Seema Tabassum 2016
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